Monthly Archives: September 2017

Is Your Relationship Love or Pity

If you are in a relationship and you just feel that something is missing, then you owe it to yourself and your partner to take a close look at what is taking place in your life with your partner at this time. The very real question that is going to have to be answered at the end of your assessing this situation is whether your relationship is based on love or pity.

The individual that you are spending your life with may be your best friend, and the problem is they may not be your lover. It may not be the individual that you are able to have a passionate relationship with that has that deep rooted love that having a partner brings. The individual may be a very close friend that you feel comfortable discussing things with, and sharing your problems with, and having a good time with, but the relationship ends there. If you are not feeling that tug in your heart each time you are with them or looking for them and counting the minutes to when you are going to see them again, then there may be something missing that you need to bring back into your relationship if it’s possible.

You may know within yourself that this is not the person that you had thought that you wanted to spend the rest of your life with, but don’t want to hurt them by ending the relationship. So you are now, in your heart, accepting second best even though this is a top rate person. You are not being fair to them or yourself to allow this to continue. It is something that you need to bring out in the open, and many times when this happens it turns out that there has just been something affecting the relationship that can be rectified, and the passion now returns to the marriage or partnership.

Many times with a hectic pace of life, or one or the other going their separate ways without realizing it, they have become selfish in the relationship and have taken the marriage for granted. Sometimes doing a reality check is all that it takes. Then this may not be the case, and it turns out that you are truly in the relationship because of pity. This is where you need to ask yourself, do you want to spend the rest of your life this way, or do you want to give each of you a chance of finding the true love and happiness in a relationship that you expect out of life.

Is There an Anger Problem in Your Relationship

Anyone can become angry. That is easy. But
to be angry with the right person, to the right
degree, at the right time, for the right purpose
and in the right way… that is not easy.
-Aristotle

For around three years, my husband and I have participated in a couples’ enrichment program. As members of the core team, I was misguided in thinking our sole responsibility would be to share our experience, strength and hope. We were additionally required to dissect our own relationship in areas of communication, pinpoint our need for growth and apply the program’s tools to slowly move forward. (Ouch!) The lesson on anger was an unavoidable hot topic that Scott and I had wrestled with over the years. Many of our worst memories from those hostile times had been brushed under the rug, taking the opportunity for growth and healing with them.

In sharing a brief synopsis of our dealings with anger, I’ll be stepping out on a limb in an effort to relate to those with similar struggles. We have been lucky to encounter people who could guide us forward and teach us tools. Yes, most couples fight; within reason, disagreeing can be quite useful in conflict resolution and moving on to healthy decision-making. However, anger can also be a toxic, painful, heartbreaking practice that strips away at any positive emotional foundation a couple shares. The damage burrows deeper than the initial wrongdoing ever would have had the power to do. Knowing this from experience, I would like to touch on what we have learned. Most importantly: Left unaddressed, anger has the power to take from us everything that we treasure.

There are two identifiable extremes when dealing with anger, neither of which is healthy. One person may choose to hold in or ‘stuff’ their feelings to avoid conflict or keep the peace. Another, having little ability to take that route, might let loose, blow up, saying and doing things they will later regret. Men and women can vacillate between the two and couples can include any combination of these behaviors.

It is important to note that anger is an emotion which, like all emotions, is neither right nor wrong; it is the behavior that accompanies it that can be unacceptable. So, learning to deal with anger in a healthy way was something we had to be taught. We have come a long way over the years; but, this is where we began…

In my adult life, I’ve never been a stuffer. I learned early on in my relationships, men would prefer I quiet down. For them, the silent treatment would have been a blessing, so the rebel in me embraced the opposite behavior. When a situation erupted, I would lash out verbally, throw things, slam doors and take off in the car, tires squealing. Over the years, working on myself in a 12 step program toned that down… slowly. Early on when things blew up with Scott, I would angrily say things like, “Are you #%$*& kidding me? That’s a bunch of &#@%! You’re nothing but a %*&@! I’m sick of your #@%$!” Words that cut and scar, drive away or infuriate beyond measure.

Seething anger on the verge of explosion has a life of its own. Did you ever look into the eyes of a man and know/feel that he really wanted to hit you? I mean knock you out??? Some men will; some men would never. In my younger years, I had been in relationships with both. Without shouldering total blame, even I realized that I was the common denominator. There was something about the way I communicated that drove men insane! If I wanted to partner with Scott in a long-term, loving relationship, it was up to me to honestly discover what that was.

For starters, I could never keep my mouth shut. If an angry thought popped into my head, it spewed out of my mouth like dragon fire… no filter, no caution… forget counting to ten! Cleaning up my mouth was a good place to start. A man once told me, “Cussing is a crutch for conversational cripples.” Ouch!! But there was truth in his statement. I used profanity when I couldn’t or wouldn’t find the words to express my true feelings. It always put Sam on the defensive and made things worse. Just taking every nasty word I wouldn’t use in daily conversation out of an argument diffused it quite a bit.

Next, it was suggested that I look at all the accusations I threw around. YOU, YOU, YOU! If Scott is the only problem in our relationship, then I’m in trouble, because I’ve learned I can’t change him. I can only control my own actions. At first, looking inward was a foreign concept, next to impossible! It was an eye opener to own the harsh nature of my verbal attacks and my insane focus on Scott’s need to change that was fueled by my own self-righteousness. “I was wrong” and “I’m sorry” could be soothing balm for our broken condition, but for years they stayed chained to my pride and ego, never being spoken.

Unresolved anger is the most dangerous marital problem I feel we’ve confronted. It would invariably spin into feelings of hopelessness and thoughts of leaving or divorce. We are both capable of out of control behavior that can do devastating damage. Ironically, handled with some simple tools, we have seen it can be diffused before it escalates. Acknowledging the warning signs of a raised voice, tense muscles or a knot in my stomach, gives me the cue to take a breath, bite my tongue and walk away if necessary. Tabling an issue and making a specific time to talk later, after we’ve had time to cool off and reflect, has saved us from ourselves many times.

We both wanted to communicate our feelings and be heard by the other; but once out of control, our anger made that impossible. One of us may have had a valid concern to begin with, but lacking the skills to communicate effectively would leave us furious. Eventually, the original issue would take a back seat to the unacceptable behavior that overshadowed it. We learned through the pain of failure and the fear of causing irreparable damage that we could not get rid of our anger problem ourselves. Seeking out advice, suggestions and specific tools to apply where our old ways failed were vital steps necessary for making changes.

I am humbled to admit the reality of our past, but I am genuinely proud that we faced our inadequacies and found ways to rise above them. We are and forever will be a work in progress. Knowing positive change is possible, we encourage others to be open to taking the tough steps that can bring peace and contentment back into areas which may seem hopeless. I don’t believe a relationship can maintain itself on a daily basis; we are either building it up or tearing it down. It is a choice; my choice; our choice. We are resigned to the fact that there will always be more for us to learn! But we believe having to rebuild after something is totally demolished is much more difficult than taking care of the required maintenance a day at a time.

Dating Relationships

Love is not just how we fell towards another person. It is not the only up-thrust into a dating relationship. It is also a matter of how we express our feelings to them. We all follow the trends in love craze and sing along the most romantic love songs. Sometimes our love lives take a turn that we never thought possible. The reason why this happens is manly because many people fail to investigate their own love, personality and knowledge while looking for someone with whom you are compatible.

When people of opposite sex meet for the first time and there is something between them suggesting the crown of dating relationships, something closer to mutual interest in each other, the attraction is often overwhelming. The appreciation of the love life comes from both parties and it appears nothing will ever bring the love birds apart.

Then there comes the question that has nagged mankind for generations. Why does love wane so quickly? Couples will appear to have suddenly turned into archrivals with accusations of unfaithfulness and neglecting of responsibilities. The spouses stop giving and start to make demands. This love trend may continue at the same rate but may sometimes differ in different partners depending on their character traits. Since dating relationships do not regard the right way to fall in love, no one can claim to have a prescription. How you meet is of little importance. Most perfect couples meet in the oddest circumstances.

The extent to which lovers maintain creativity without appearing to look unnatural could be debated. It is difficult to know the personality of your lover during the dating period. A person will always take care not to behave in a manner that may make them appear unkind or undesirable. The only trait that comes out clearly is that concerning sex, love and romance in all dating relationships. There is a risk of someone faking a desirable personality only to change a few days after marriage.

A lot of observation is called for, plus a keen interest in the person’s background as well as the motives that motivate the individual’s behavior during the dating period. The ideas you have concerning love and romance. You have to be keen on observation meaning your consciousness has to be always on the alert. Dating relationships do call for carefulness. For instance, if you like going out in the beach and when you suggest this to your partner she readily agrees, you may not succeed in knowing what her likes are. You need to know what else she likes apart from going to the beach. She may not even like going there at all.

Find out about the things that tickle a sense of belonging in her. Know what she would rather die than do and know what annoys her most. Use this knowledge to tell if you are a match for her or not. Knowledge of these things helps in figuring not only the love personality of your prospective spouse but also your own, which fits you in the line of dating relationships that might lead to something more. If you are the kind of a person who is always fascinated by the meaning of things and not the things themselves, you will have a difficult time trying to impress a person who accepts things the way they are without delving into their meaning.

Rebound Relationships

Is your ex dating someone else after you just broke up? The fact is, your ex is trying to get over you and not deal with the emotions of the break up.They are trying to forget about the real love. This is one of those times when love really stinks.

The rebound relationship is often used to try and deal with losing someone that they really love. Does it matter who’s fault it was? Or why? Does it matter who put an end to the relationship? I don’t think so. What really matters is the true love between you.

Relationships that are founded on true love have the ability to be saved.

Most often, if an ex is in a rebound relationship they are focusing on what went wrong with your relationship. They will try to have a “reverse relationship”. What?….If your a nice person, they will probably spend time with someone who is opposite. If you are into sports or “Desperate House Wives”, they will probably attach themselves to someone that into computers or someone that loves “The Sound Of Music”.

Here’s the opportunity. Your ex is focusing attention on you and you are now able to determine what your ex is looking for. Otherwise, if your ex is with someone completely different then you, there must be something missing in your own relationship. Find out what it is and you will find the way to get your ex back.

More than likely your ex will find that the re bounder has flaws and will recall the many reasons why they are in love with you. You have to give it time. TIME…….that’s another one for Love Stinks. Let the ex develop the memories and missing the great things in the relationship.

At this point you have to be cautious. When the opportunity comes back at you, don’t immediately jump on top of it.

· Don’t try to convince your ex that you are the love of her life. Let them discover this on themselves.
· Don’t apologize over and over. Your ex already know why reason for loving you.
· Promising to change is a big mistake. Your ex is in love with who you are.
· Don’t even bring up the subject of who’s fault the break up was. Pure waste of energy and time.
· If you beg your ex to take you back, you should probably get that tattoo on your forehead that says “STUPID”.