Monthly Archives: August 2017

Your Primary Spiritual Relationship

Popular culture is focused on attracting love, yet you’ll only be able to receive as much love as you give to yourself. You’ll deflect or guard love that doesn’t resonate with you – like a compliment you don’t believe. The opposite is also true. You’ll allow others to abuse you a bit less than you abuse yourself. So if you desire lasting love, learn to love yourself, because your relationships will parallel your relationship with yourself.

The subject of love interested me from an early age after reading Erich Fromm’s The Art of Loving. I was still young and unconscious of my feelings about myself. For years, the concept of loving myself eluded me. Like many on a spiritual path, I became very good at compassion for others, but had no idea what self-love meant. Little by little, I’ve learned that it starts with self-esteem, self-acceptance, and finally compassion and love – all progressive stages.


Most people determine their worth based upon other-esteem. They seek approval and validation from others, and their opinion of themselves isn’t very high unless they get it. True self-esteem isn’t based on what others think of you, since its Self-esteem. It’s basically what you think of yourself. You may think well of yourself and your competence in some areas, but not in others, and your estimation may fluctuate with illness and life’s ups and downs, but if you have good self-esteem, you’ll return to feeling good about yourself. You won’t blame yourself, nor take others’ opinions or what fate throws you too personally. You’ll think you’re an okay person despite losses, ill heath, mistakes, and rejection. Many people focus on their flaws and have trouble acknowledging their assets. Others have inflated, unrealistic opinions of themselves. Studies contend that narcissists have high self-esteem. I say they lack true self-esteem, because when a major loss occurs, their self-esteem can plummet, especially if it’s in areas that support their self-concept, such as beauty, public acclaim, or material success. The biggest obstacle to self-esteem is self-criticism.


Unlike self-esteem which varies, self-acceptance is steady and unconditional. You accept yourself despite your flaws, failures, and limitations. You’re more self-forgiving and let go of self-judgment. Instead of comparing yourself to others, both positively and negatively, you appreciate your singular individuality. You feel that you’re enough without having to improve upon yourself.

Self-acceptance works wonders. Once you start accepting yourself, you gradually stop worrying what others think and become more spontaneous and natural. Self-acceptance is what allows you to be authentic. You can finally relax, and allow more of the inner, real you to be seen. You’ll have no shame or fear of revealing yourself when you accept yourself unconditionally.


Whereas self-esteem is an evaluation and acceptance is an attitude, love combines both feeling and action. Contrary to what many believe, self-love is healthy. It’s neither selfish, nor self-indulgent, and neither egotism, nor narcissism. Actually, egotists and narcissists don’t love themselves at all. A “big ego” is compensation for lack of self-love. Most people think too little of themselves, not too much, and often falling in love is merely a compensation for inner emptiness, loneliness, and shame. No wonder most relationships fail (including those who stay together). Erich Fromm correctly pointed out that love is an art form that takes dedication and practice, not something you win or fall into. Rather, being able to love is a faculty to be developed. It entails effort and begins with learning to love yourself.

Fromm contended that Western society has been influenced by the Calvinist belief that we’re basically sinful, and thus self-love was considered sinful. But since the Bible says, “Love thy neighbor as thyself,” how can loving your neighbor be a virtue and self-love be a vice? You’re part of humanity as worthy of love as the next person. Many kind or religious people are able to love others, but unable to love themselves. They believe having a high regard for themselves is indulgent, conceited, arrogant, or selfish. The opposite is true. The greater is your love of self, the greater will be your love of others. The inverse is also true; hatred of others is indicative of self-hatred.

In a relationship when you love someone, you try to understand their experience and world view, although it differs from your own. You offer your attention, respect, support, compassion, and acceptance. Your caring involves knowledge, responsibility and commitment. These virtues are not compartmentalized, because love is indivisible. Thus, as you develop these abilities, your capacity to love yourself and others grows.

Developing the faculties of attention and compassion that are key to intimacy, necessitate discipline and time. To learn anything requires that you desire it and find it worthy of your effort. Although self-love is certainly an important goal, our society is full of distractions, and its emphasis on speed, performance, and productivity make developing self-love a challenge. Meditation, yoga, martial arts are helpful in learning self-awareness and focusing attention.

Compassion for yourself enables you to witness your feelings, thoughts, and actions with acceptance, caring, and understanding as you would when empathizing with another. Compassion is expressed with gentleness, tenderness, and generosity of spirit – quite the opposite of self-criticism, perfectionism, and pushing oneself. When most people are stressed, overwhelmed, or exhausted, they attempt to do even more, instead of caring for themselves. If you weren’t nurtured as a child, self-nurturing can be absorbed in therapy over time. You’ll learn to integrate the acceptance and empathy offered by your therapist. Self-compassion differs from self-pity, which is a judgment about your situation or feelings. Rather than acceptance and compassion, self-pity says, “It shouldn’t be this way.”

Fromm states that self-love entails faith and courage to take risks and overcome life’s setbacks and sorrows. Faith in yourself enables you to comfort yourself and face challenges and failures without lapsing into worry or judgment. You develop the ability to see yourself objectivity and know you’ll survive, despite present emotions. If you constantly seek validation and reassurance from others, you miss the opportunity to develop these internal functions. As knowledge is pre-requisite to love, spending time alone with yourself is essential to identify and listen to your feelings with sensitivity and empathy. Acquiring the ability to witness and contain your emotions are also faculties learned in meditation and psychotherapy. This is crucial to intimacy because it enables you to be present to love and have compassion for others.

Perhaps you’ve concluded that learning self-love isn’t easy. Look at it this way. Throughout the day, you’re confronted with many opportunities to disregard or attune to your feelings, to judge or to honor them, to keep commitments and be responsible to yourself, and to act in accordance with your needs, values, and feelings. You have an opportunity to learn self-love all the time. Every time you talk yourself down, doubt yourself, exhaust yourself, dismiss your feelings or needs, or act against your values, you undermine your self-esteem. The reverse is also true. You might as well make healthier choices, because you and all your relationships will benefit.

Steps to a Good Relationship

Do you need to find a few steps to a good relationship? Have you been casually dating for a long time, but with steps to a good relationship you’d be able to turn that into a commitment? Have you been dumped so many times, you just know you have to find steps to a good relationship before you even try to hook up with another guy?

Most people just dive into a relationship without a clue how love, romance and commitment work. We just kind of muddle our way through it hoping things will work out for the best.

For the most part, things don’t work out at all. If you want a better chance at making something out of your next romance, read these steps to a good relationship.


Look around and you’ll probably find a lot of tricky ways to trap a guy. Embellishments, fibs and outright lies are often suggested into order to make the guy think he’s dating someone who doesn’t even exist.

Honestly? How can you hope to build a strong relationship based on lies?

If you do choose to fib, make sure it’s about something trivial and inconsequential. Hiding something, like the fact that you don’t want children when you know very well that he does can be a disaster.

Mutual Respect

If you really want this relationship to go in the right direction, remember to maintain a high level of respect for him. It’s so easy to lapse into a war of words over everything and anything and the constant bickering can take its toll.

Once you realize you’re in love with this man, continue to show it.

Basic Commonalities

Many couples try to convince themselves that their love will carry them through any and all problems, including basic differences in one another. Certain differences work out great, they’re even welcomed. These are the cases in which you could say one mate completes the other.

He’s outspoken where she’s timid. He’s a great cook, while she’s loves to do laundry. He would spend every red penny until they lost everything if it wasn’t for her wise money sense. These couples blend together well and make for strong unions.

But if you love the country while he feels invigorated by the city, or if family is vitally important to you, but he wants no kids at all, there’s little chance your relationship will survive.

More often than not, the person asked to make the huge sacrifice ends up resenting it and the relationship fizzles out.

Keep it Hot

Couples who’ve been together for a long time and still thrive will tell you that they keep their sex life fun and exciting. Whether it’s through games, dressing up, playing roles or making movies, they’re constantly conscience of the importance sex plays in the relationship.

It’s not a simple matter of sexual satisfaction, which is important in itself, but it’s also the intimate connection; everything that leads up to sex and everything that follows it.

Don’t neglect this important aspect of your romance.

Secrets of How to Revitalize Your Relationship

These are many people out there who are looking to find ways to give a new lease of life to their relationships. They know their relationship can receive a shot in the arm as it were. They know they can do something to breathe life into the relationship. But somehow, they do not know exactly what to do.

We are not trying to give simplistic answers to complex human issues. We realize there are more intricate issues in relationship that require professional management. But here, we will provide you with some workable answers to some common everyday issues of relationship.

The first secret is to love your partner. I can hear someone say, ‘if I didn’t love him or her why am I in the relationship in the first place?’ you’re right; but not so fast. Loving your partner is so obvious that it’s like pointing to a rainbow and telling someone that the rainbow is multicolored. Although to love a partner may appear obvious, it’s usually not so obvious as we think. If you love someone, you’ll believe him or her. That goes for anything he or she may say, even if you think or believe otherwise inside of you. If you love someone, you’ll accept the person. Acceptance here does not necessarily mean you approve of what he or she does or privy to it. If you love someone you’ll be proud of that person. If you love someone you’ll respect that person. If you love someone, you’ll love what he or she loves–pet habit not implied. From the foregoing you’ll see that loving a partner is more than a mere show of outward affection.

Endeavor to love your partner the way he/she is. You are to try to love the person of your partner. In order words, do not try to love them for what they represent, what they have, what they can do, or for what you think they’re capable of doing in future. Neither should you love them for what they could or could not be in future. This is a spurious expectation that may have the chances of fulfillment or non-fulfillment.

At first the idea of loving someone for who they are can seem daunting or outright fearful. Are we suggesting we walk in a blind alley? Certainly not. Although journeying through life is more or less like the dreaded blind alley walk. Incidentally, we even run in blind alley all the time. As you might have found out, few things in life are that certain or predictable. Relationship is ‘happily’ one of the many unpredictables.

Secrets to Scoring Points With Your Wife

So you want to know how to score points with that beautiful girl you married or are in a relationship with? The Secrets that follow will lead to a more loving wife who will appreciate you even more.

What are the Secrets?

1) When you know your wife is going somewhere without you like to the beach with her girlfriends, Leave a surprise in her bag or car. Go out and get the most recent edition of her favorite magazine, or a book by her favorite author.

2) If your wife is going away, the week before she does, call her. Call her everyday during the day while you or she or both of you are at work. Tell her that you will miss her.

3) If she is going away, have dinner ready for her when she is due to return. Make her favorite food. Do everything. Cook, Clean up, don’t let her do anything.

4) When she returns from being away, go out and unload her stuff. Going away is great, but coming back and unloading all the stuff stinks. She is probably going to be tired from a fun filled trip. Everyone needs a day off to recover from being off.

By following the four steps outlined above, I can almost guarantee your wife, girlfriend or partner will love you for it. The reward you get from doing this will be well worth it. She will be in a good mood. You just might like her reaction to your actions too.