Monthly Archives: June 2017

Interracial Relationships

Can Interracial relationships work? Can you escape being called racial slurs at least once during the relationship? Will it always be considered Taboo? I do not know the answer to all questions that arise from interracial relationships. However, i do know that interracial relationships can work. My personal experiences have amounted to momentary failures that have yielded lifetime lessons. I have looked back on them, and I have come up with a few tips and a little bit of encouragement.

I grew up in a little city named Dyersburg,Tennessee. There was one huge high school where all manners or races and religions attended. The south is not historically thought of as forward and progressive, but there is no other choice but to progress when the entire population is taught on one accord. Naturally, there were a number of barriers that divided genders and races. None of them were enough to blockade the wonderful process of socialization. I found out that the socialization part was critical. It really separated me from the pack later. I was a young black man who appreciated teenage hormones and the Baskin’s Robbins like environment (Multiple Flavors) of girls.

People often grow up with an ignorance of other races. Therefore, many stick close to their own race. They fear what their parents and friends may say, as well as the fear of the unknown. I liked only black girls, until middle school. I was not dating white girls because I did not know how. How do you tell your mom that your friend is white after hearing a ton of white jokes over the years? It can be a confusing and risky task that some do not want to engage. As a result, I went through middle school and high school dating great black chicks and everyone else was off limits, due to self-imposed and society imposed ignorance. I missed out on the friendship of a bunch of potential girls of other races. There were many cute white chicks whom I could still name. There were beautiful Indian girls, Asian girls, and races of girls that I had no clue about. I left Dyersburg with small crushes that shall never be known.

I dated the first white friend ever while in college. Maybe I should not use the term dated. It was a fun fling, and the result of a drinking game called questions. She was nowhere near as pretty as the girls from Dyersburg. She was simply the answer to my curiosity. Many can relate to this part of the story. TIPProtect yourself when satisfying your promiscuous curiosity. The only thing that I learned from that episode was that someone from another race could actually be affectionate and attracted to me. It felt gratifying and empowering. The whole world opened to me. I did not know if someone really beautiful could like me, but I now knew that there was no secret code that said ignore the other race.

I later dated a reasonably attractive white woman who really liked me. She helped me to break many molds. I was 5 feet and 6 inches standing next to her at 5 feet 8 inches. That let me know that I could date white and taller. She had the great body black men love. She was thick. Contrary to popular belief, many of us like symmetrical women. This woman was very balanced. She became more than lust. She was so awesome and cool, that it became alarming to me. She laughed at my jokes, she cooked for me, she was sexy, and sexually giving. She was intellectually compatible and culturally connective. I felt myself on the verge of falling in love and it scared me. Again, I wondered what would people say if I were married to a white woman, and one who I had to look up to! She respected me greatly, but I let her down. It was my first huge lesson in fear of the unknown and ignorance of life. I backed away, and I never saw her again after Navy boot camp.

I went to Japan while in the US Navy. I was really not feeling interracial and international relationships. It would have been the double whammy. I was ignorant of seemingly every race and culture. I scared and scarred myself back into only black relationships because it seemed safe. TIP:This is a common mistake. I began a new world-wide education on women, life, races, and culture. I learned so much, that it even helped me to become less homophobic. I had respected friends from every walk of life, and multiple nations. This helped me to develop a respect for the heart of a person. Every woman became potentially beautiful in my eyes again. I dated a few Japanese girls in my home port of Yokosuka, Japan. I eventually found a diamond in the rough. She was really cute and super loyal. She was very cool and often witty. We developed a great relationship over a two and a half-year period. We went everywhere, and did everything together like twins.

Again, I broke someone’s heart because of fear, ignorance, and maybe selfishness. I actually loved her, and still allowed myself to leave at the end of my Navy contract. She was a little insanely jealous. However, that should not have been enough to give up on us. I went back to the United States, and we agreed to keep in touch. That never quite worked out because I wound up marrying someone else. I moved on, but it never would have happened if it were not for fear and ignorance. I did learn the lesson of a life time. It was at the expense of another person’s heart and many hard days for me during the growth process.Lessons were learned.

How does a person overcome these obstacles? Let me help. The very first thing that a person has to do is be culturally socialized. A person should be a student of the other person’s culture. If I respected my dear friend enough, I should have learned the culture, the language, and the lady. This is one of the top thought processes to overcome interracial challenges. If you do not devote yourself to this study, offense is inevitable.It took me a long time to learn, but I learned that there are many great women underneath the outer layer called skin. There are scholars, politicians, educators, innovators, and genuinely awesome women who simply wanted to be loved 100% of the time and lusted after at least 50% of the time. They want to be appreciated. Forget about their skin when it comes to loving them. This applies to both genders.

The number one reason that interracial couples fail is the lack of understanding of love. They say love never fails. It is only true when there is a proper understanding of love. Love is dying to self for the benefit of another. Kill your own selfish desires, and set them aside for the benefit of another. This is love that can never fail because you are always in charge of not allowing it to fail. It has nothing to do with race and every thing to do with sacrifice. It is not just interracial couples, but all sorts of couples who never get that. The hard knowledge obtained in life has given me the opportunity to be successful as a relationship expert, but the road to wisdom was not user-friendly. Take my advice and see love prosper and be fruitful.

Love and Mothering – A Breastmilk Theory of Love

Does our infant feeding experience affect how we relate to relationships?Is there a template for love laid down in early life that creates unconscious patterns that lead to dysfunctional connections? Hear what a Wholistic Sexuality educator, former nurse-midwife and intimate arts counselor thinks about the deep connections between the breast and the heart.

The Bountiful Breast

Ah, breastmilk, Mother Nature’s most perfect food, the true nectar of the Goddess. Evolution has developed an exquisite arrangement for nurturing young mammals, perfected through millennia. It is an elegantly simple system, based on supply and demand. A human breast is essentially a milk factory. When a baby sucks on the areola of the breast, it stimulates receptors which tell the breast (via the brain) to respond by producing milk. As the infant grows and its caloric needs increase, the baby gets hungrier and sucks more, producing more milk. Despite myths to the contrary, the breast is never empty. There is an endless supply of milk, always as much as a child needs. As long as the system is not interrupted, and the mother is adequately hydrated and nourished, there will always be an abundance of glorious milk.

Magic Milk

Mammalian milk has evolved to meet the highly specific needs of each particular species. Human milk contains the exact nutrients in the perfect balance to grow the complex brains and bodies of our infants. It contains living immune factors to protect the health of the child. It teaches both our immune system and our metabolism how to function properly for the rest of our lifetimes by mechanisms that are still poorly understood. Children who are breastfed for a year (or ideally two or more) suffer from less of every known disease, not just as infants but throughout their entire lifetime.

Relationship 101

Sweet and plentiful breastmilk is the perfect food, always ready, warm and delicious. And it comes in an attractive and time-tested package, that of the woman’s breast, firmly attached to the warm, soft, breathing, pulsating body of the mother. This perfect food is delivered from within the context of the first love relationship that the baby knows. This is how evolution set up the system. When the baby human feels one of its basic needs, that of hunger, the need is met, not with an external object, but by their own personal Beloved. Fed from her warm yielding body, cradled in her strong arms, enveloped in her scent, her loving touch, steadied by her heartbeat and breathing, gazed at by bliss-filled eyes. Ideally, the human need for food is answered in the context of a relationship, by a person, with love.

Sad Stand-in

For those who truly cannot breastfeed, it’s good that we have a substitute that’s at least adequate to prevent significant infant mortality. And, of course, a bottle can be given while the baby is held lovingly in arms. But nothing from a factory can really come close to replicating a system that evolution has perfected.

Unfortunately, many modern industrial culture women believe that they can’t nurse, don’t have enough milk and that their body has failed. The truth is that it is our system that has failed them. In nature, it would be extremely rare for a woman (or any other mammal) to not be able to adequately nourish her child unless she’s starving. In our bottle-feeding culture many women have unsuccessful nursing experiences because the natural process, which certainly begins before and during labor as well as after, has been repeatedly disrupted in multiple ways. The result is that the elegant system is too disturbed to function properly and nursing doesn’t work despite many women’s heroic efforts to fix it. This is more then a shame, this is a tragic epidemic as the dysfunction of this system has so many sad consequences.

The Barren Bottle

Compare the perfect sweetness and ideal nourishment of breastmilk to the synthetic formula given to most of us as children and to many babies even now. Artificial infant formula tastes nasty, like wallpaper paste. It’s often given in a transparent bottle, clearly in a finite amount. When the bottle is empty, that’s it. It’s all gone. There is no more. The need for food is met, not in the context of a warm and loving relationship, from a soft and sensuous mother’s body, but with a ‘thing’, a hard and separate object. This is so removed from the context of relationship that it need not even be given while the child is held. A bottle can be propped up or self-held by an older baby.

Terrible Template

This forms the template for love and attachment that many of us struggle with for the rest of our lives. Is it any wonder that so many people in our culture, as adults, look to consumer goods, to external objects, to satisfy their oh-so-human needs? But more stuff is never enough to really fill those needs. So we go out and buy more stuff, newer stuff, bigger stuff, better, faster, sexier stuff. More, more, more. But it’s really no good. No matter how much we accumulate, objects will never satisfy our needs for love, security and acceptance. Only relationships can do that.

Sick Substitute

Moreover, artificial infant feeding formulas are unhealthy and barely adequate substitutes that can’t come close to Mama Nature’s perfect food. Indeed, they cause innumerable infant health problems, including gastrointestinal distress, allergies, irritability and malaise. Food, nourishment and the associated feeling of love can become deeply connected with feelings of sickness and pain.

Life Lessons

In our first few years we learn some of our most basic life lessons. Is the world a good or bad place? Am I loved? Can I trust that my needs will be met? Is my body a good place to be in? Should we be surprised that so many people have mixed up feelings of love and desire with pain and dysfunction? After all, for most of us our first model of relationship taught us that food and comfort come from an object that is separate from another body. That satisfying our hunger is likely to make us feel uncomfortable and even ill. We learned that nourishment is finite in amount and unpleasant tasting to boot. It’s no wonder that we feel that love is a limited commodity with only so much to go around. It’s not surprising that we can’t get comfortable and form trusting relationships with others. Is that why it’s so hard for some people to receive pleasure? Scarcity consciousness and bottle-fed limits are deeply ingrained templates. Bottle-contained artificial infant formula, unsatisfying, toxic, and unpalatable has confused us about the nature of love.

If we’d had our needs met, completely and efficiently, with love, security and nourishment all coming together from the abundant breast of a loving mama-would it be easier as adults to form secure and trusting love relationships? To not be possessive and jealous? To trust in the abundance of love and that our beloved(s) will be there when we need them? To be able to receive pleasure? I believe this is true.

Reframing Scarcity and Embracing Abundance

For myself, I’m trying to re-frame my beliefs about love and attachment, about scarcity and abundance, from a breastmilk perspective. It’s remedial education, to be sure. It’s a process that requires practice and repetition to succeed at changing (or at least influencing) such old core beliefs. I’m rethinking love, in the breast-milk model. I’m granting myself my denied birthright, reminding myself, over and over, and over again that there is an abundance of love, there’s always as much as you need and plenty to go around. And that if you need more, just suck and more will come. The breast is never empty, just like the heart. There is always enough. And my hunger can only truly be satisfied by human relationships, never by things. True milk, like true love is plentiful and nourishing, never finite or toxic. And it tastes really, really good.

No wonder the breasts are right over the heart. It is where love comes from. Endlessly, without limits, because the breast is never empty and the heart can always give more love.

Love Means Having To Say You Are Sorry

SORRY…A single word with five letters but very difficult to speak. Why? Why is it that most of us find it difficult at times to say a sorry! It takes courage to accept your mistake and say a “sorry”. All of us makes mistake, as we all are humans. No one can get away without making mistakes. We make mistakes and we learn from our mistakes but at times we make such mistakes that hurt others. We cannot undo what we have done but make it up with a single word SORRY and we are sooner or later forgiven for our blunder. But then why do we find it so difficult.

It all depends on our thinking our humility and the sense of right and wrong. Many of us feel insulted to say that we are sorry because of our ego. It is because we are self-centered people and do not think otherwise. We are engrossed in ourselves and hardly bother about others, our dear ones and our family. Come out of this “I” and “only me” and see the world changed around you. It feels good to say sorry and make your loved one smile.

When two people come together they talk, they love, they share and care but at the same time they do come in conflict or argument with each other. It is very natural and a part of our existence. If we agree on certain opinions at times we will definitely disagree on some other points. It is just impossible not to come in conflict or argument with your spouse. The important point here is not the argument or conflict you have but the aftermaths of it. An argument does not mean everything has ended. It is a part of life; w e should learn to cope up with it. Whenever you come into an argument or conflict with each other never fail to apologize if it is you who is the cause of conflict. Whoever is on the wrong should say sorry and with meaning. If possible try not letting the argument come to an extreme where it gets difficult to handle the situation. Say you are sorry before that. Many times while arguing or quarreling we realize our mistake and out of the self esteem in us find it difficult to apologize. This should never happen. If you are on the wrong never take time to say you are sorry. It will help your relationship to be a happy and long lasting one.

If you love your partner then learn to say sorry. Love means having to say sorry. If you want your relationship to be long lasting then learn to accept your mistakes and say sorry for the mistake made by you. It is hard but not impossible to say you are sorry. Have that courage in you to accept your mistake and say sorry and say it immediately before situations get worse. Be prompt and never hesitate to accept your fault and apologize. Feel good not bad to apologize. After all it takes courage to accept your mistake and should feel good about it.

How to Save a Long Distance Relationship

There are a couple of ways on how to save a long distance relationship. To maintain love from across the miles has its own risks and challenges. It takes patience and a lot of creativity to make the partnership a success.

Time and distance do make the heart grow fonder. If you can have it your way, a virtual relationship should be out of the picture. But being in the same continent just isn’t in the cards for now.

So how do you do it? Here’s how:

Define Your Expectations

Define your terms ahead of time. Do you expect exclusivity or do you want to keep it casual? Talk about what you need and require from each other.

Setting the perimeter of the relationship will save you both a lot of headaches. In short, lay down all the ground rules.

Take Time to Communicate

How to save a long distance relationship amidst a big disparity in time zones requires commitment. But in this age, technology helps bridge that gap. You can email, chat, SMS or call them so they’re just an arm’s length away.

Set up a regular schedule when you’ll get in touch to maximize the costs. If you wouldn’t be able to make it, give your partner a heads up.

Split the Costs

Be mindful of the expenses incurred to keep the relationship going. Do it equitably. It wouldn’t be fair to let the higher earner foot the bill all the time.

When spending time together, alternate who visits whom. At times, it’d be a good idea to meet somewhere else halfway.

As a couple, you should be able to discuss money matters openly. Otherwise, it will be an uphill battle to maintain a long-term relationship.

Spend Quality Time Together

Make the most of the time you have together. Plan your activities ahead of time but leave some room for spontaneity. Finding out how to save a long distance relationship may involve some trial and error. Know what works best for you and stick with it.